He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
