Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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