i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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