I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
