On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Enjoy the penises
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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