Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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