He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
