the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
