So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
