You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!