I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.