you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.