i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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