i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
NoShamevember. You game?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
