The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
