If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
