Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
