just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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