people are starting to question the shark bite story
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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