david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
