My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
