Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
soo... how was my night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
