glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
