my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
