I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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