If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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