She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
