Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
