I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
