wanna go halves on a baby?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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