So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
