I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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