smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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