based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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