Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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