1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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