I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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