So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
