Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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