you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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