How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
