True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
