Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
