I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
