Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
