I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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