I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize