i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I want a musical about memes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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