i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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