Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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