Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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