So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
