i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
