I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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