What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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