I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
