you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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